Do you remember the day of your proposal? How it was so jubilant and serene? So why do you have to make your divorce an ugly issue? No one gets married with the hope in mind that they will be divorced but life happens. People do go their separate ways but this is not an excuse to go hard on the woman who said yes to you or the man who chose you to be theirs.
Initiating the Divorce
The important problem at the beginning of the divorce is whether the decision is mutual. Very few divorces begin when two married people simultaneously decide to divorce. Usually, one of the partners reaches the decision first. That person, whom we call the initiator, has typically spent a long time thinking about divorce and making the emotional adjustments. He or she has spent a good deal of time coping with the disappointment that the marriage cannot work and may even have gone through a period of mourning, unbeknownst to the spouse. The initiator has the advantage of having had all the time to prepare for the divorce. She may have already begun to build a new life by making new friends separate from her spouse. She may have returned to school to acquire a new degree or credential that will augment a job search. He may have lost twenty pounds, taken up exercise, acquired new hobbies and otherwise begun a new and separate life. By the time the initiator breaks the news to the spouse, he or she is usually well along or complete in the process of detachment and adjustment. By that time, the marriage is dead. He or she is finished and resolved to move on.
Saying that you should have a peaceful divorce does not mean that it will never get on your nerves or you will not feel like pulling your hair. Hell days will be there but instead of letting them take over you, you will take charge over them and there are simple steps of ensuring you are in charge.
Tip #1: Get Support
It’s important to remember that no matter how isolated you may feel, you are not alone.
Recognize that there are sources of divorce support that you can leverage to help you sort through the menagerie of feelings you’re experiencing and learn how to deal with them in a constructive way.
When you can control your emotions, you will be better prepared to approach divorce negotiations with a calm, level head.
Tip #2: Avoid the Blame Game
There are always two sides to every story, but it can be tough to see that when you’re in the midst of a messy and emotionally charged divorce.
One of the most important steps in how to get through your divorce peacefully is to step back and take ownership for whatever part you had in the demise of the marriage.
When both spouses own up to their own shortcomings and take responsibility for their actions, there is less blame and more open, honest communication.
Divorce in itself is hard and it becomes even harder when there are kids involved. In fact research shows that children whose parents divorced might also go through the same in their marriages. As parents you should do what is in the best interest of the child and this means that they should be shielded from pain. Do all you can to ensure that your child is not caught in between your issues. There are certain things you will have to stop doing so that you minimize the negative effects of divorce on your child.
1. Don’t bad mouth or say anything negative about your ex to or in front of your child
As a parent going through a divorce, you may (understandably) feel your spouse has betrayed, hurt or lied to you. You are also in the midst of separating emotionally as well as physically from what was once a thriving relationship with someone you loved. Expressing these feelings is natural. However, when you do it in a way that insults and belittles your ex, the children may actually take it personally.
2. Don’t lean on your kids for emotional support
Of course going through a divorce is difficult and emotionally draining but kids need to feel someone is holding it together. A parent’s primary job is to protect their child. We wouldn’t hesitate to marshal every resource if our child were being bullied or attacked in some way. Taking care of them at this time means truly putting their best interests ahead of our own when it comes to emotional care.